Ain't no party like an underpants party...

 Maeve (my three year old)has just finished using the bathroom and has come out holding her pants and undies.  Join me, friends, as I document another Maeve vs underwear adventure!!

 She is currently holding her underwear in front of her and stomping her foot over and over (and over) missing the leg hole. She has now fallen over and pulled them up. Alas. They are backwards.

As I tell her to put them on the right way, she crumples to the ground crying "Noooooooooo!" Darth Vader style.

Aaand they're off again. (It amazes me that it takes a MILLISECOND for her to take clothes off and an ETERNITY to put them on again.) Now she is swinging them around her head with one hand saying "Moooom! I can't put them on!"

 It has been 5 minutes since she got out of the bathroom.

Bare bottomed, she has decided to take a break from this exhausting venture to destroy a pair of her brother's plastic handcuffs. Awesome. Can't wait for him to find out! At least we are getting things accomplished here.

We now have marching with the underwear being swung like a colorguard flag. I'm so proud she's following in my footsteps. "Maeve. Put your underwear on. PLEASE!" 

Now she's brushing her hair.

 
  Ten minutes in.
"MAEVE! UNDERWEAR!" I yell.

 She is now hunting for the tag so she knows where the back is. She has turned them inside out pulled them up on one leg and asks, "Mama, are you happy?" as she flings her undies across the room.

Running across the room to retrieve them, she somehow slams her cheek into the corner of the couch. "I HUUURT MYSELF!!" she says through crocodile tears. Five seconds later she's fine.  

15 minutes in, btw.

 She is now taking her socks OFF instead of putting her underwear ON. What. The. Hell.

 "Maeve, pick your underwear up."

She picks up a crayon.

 "MAEVE! THE UNDERWEAR! PICK 'EM UP!"

 She picks them up and puts them on her head, starts singing a remix of "We Are the Dinosaurs" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," and runs into the kitchen returning with two pieces of gum. "One for me and one for my brother."

 I say "You are not having gum right now."

She says, "After I get dressed."

 Oh good! Motivation!

 20 minutes in
 
Finally, by the grace of all things holy...we have tushy to undies contact!!!

 The clouds have parted and the sunbeams are streaming down. In the distance I hear a resounding chorus of angels singing sweetly...

Oh. Nope. Not angels. That's just Max and Ruby starting. (Where the hell are their parents, by the way? Did I miss that episode? Cuz I'm pretty sure I've seen them all.)

 Epilogue:

30 seconds later I smugly stride to the kitchen and brew a cup of coffee. Shaking my head and smiling I hear the padding of stocking feet...

"MOOOOOOM!" she says, 
"I have to pee."

 Good. God.

Yes that is half a roll of TP in the toilet. But her pants are on!!!!

Ten common vocalizations of the mater domesticum (aka mommy)

The following findings were from a household in Camillus, NY:

1. Time to get up
This vocalization is mainly observed in the morning and is usually voiced in a low sing-songy voice. It has been noted that the tone of this phrase will increase in speed and volume as the morning goes on and in the case of drawn out exchanges will be followed by the "NOW!" or "We're going to be LATE!" pattern.

2. Did you wash your hands
Commonly heard throughout the day but most often prior to meals. Usually spoken with an eyebrow raised or a hand on the hip or both

3. Please put your pants on
The tone and urgency of this phrase varies greatly depending on both the presence of other humans and their relationship to the offspring.

4. Put your shoes on are your shoes on get your shoes on...where are your shoes...get them oooon. 
This repetitive pattern can vary slightly but is heard whenever subjects are exiting their domicile without fail.

5. Get that out of your mouth
As with "please put your pants on," the tone, urgency and body language expressed with this phrase varies depending on what item is being consumed by the offspring.

6. When's the last time you pooped
Often heard when offspring complains of a stomach ache

7. Keep your hands to yourself
Interestingly this can be heard during incidents involving other humans and/or inanimate objects.  As a general rule the other humans are friends or siblings of the offspring and the inanimate objects are extremely fragile and expensive.

8. What is wrong with you
Now this phrase, depending on the household, can often be followed by, "you clearly get that from your father."

9. Don't do that you are going to get hurt
Following this the offspring will ignore the vocalization and continue the behavior that should be avoided.  Most often disaster ensues and a great loud crying episode is heard from the offspring.

10. I love you.  Goodnight.
Often the last vocalization of the day the offspring will usually receive a hug and a kiss and get tucked into bed.  On the chance that this is not the last vocalization of the day as decided by the offspring, it will be followed by a barrage of phrases such as "Get back in bed" "Go back to sleep" and on especially late nights a booming "I SAID GOOOOOD NIIIIIIGHT!!!!"

After the offspring is sleeping it has been continually observed that the mater domesticum will relax on the couch with a glass of wine before falling asleep hoarse and exhausted.

Oy. Mom blogs.

I hate mom blogs.

To clarify...I hate mom blogs that put parents down.  What happened to just talking about people behind their backs to your friends like in the good old days? Nope.  Now you are publishing your observations of parenting inadequacies for alllll to see. Here's a hint...for future reference. If you write a statement that starts with, "Not that I'm judging but..." Guess what?? (And this may blow your mind, self proclaimed non-judgemental mom bloggers,) YOU ARE ABOUT TO [gasp!] JUDGE SOMEONE! You are the Chief Justice Judge in Mommy Judgingham!!

Truth is, I already judge myself.  Every day.  Some days it seems that moment to moment I'm second guessing my "Mommy-ing" and when in public I think everyone around me thinks I'm horrible. So maybe the problem is actually with myself and my many faults as a parent. 

You know what?  NOPE.  My problem is definitely with these holier than thou, super "self indulgent" (Thanks, Tom,) moms that need to point out why, unlike some OTHER people, they are the best parents EVERRRRRRRR! (latter to be read in Oprah voice.) So I would just like to get some stuff out there so you can freely judge what an awful parent I am and talk about how my kids will suffer irreversible damage as a result of my failures.

For the record:
My kids don't play with toy guns.
Newtown messed me up forever.  I'm terrified. While playing with guns doesn't mean that a child will wield one in a psychopathic manor, my kids can continue to pretend to murder each other only with lightsabers (or savers as my 3 year old calls them.) If your kid wants to play with guns that's fine with me.  They just won't do it when playing with my kids when I am present.You may think I'm being overprotective and that "boys will be boys" so there's no harm in it yada yada. Yep. I am. Respect it. I will never try to influence your child to hate guns nor will I think badly of you for allowing them to play with toy guns.

I know the "no toy guns in school" has gone waaaaay to the extreme and that the kid that bit his PBJ into the shape of a gun wasn't planning a mass murder.  But I also think there's no reason why kids would need to pretend to shoot each other at school...especially since kids are ACTUALLY shooting each other at school.

Bullying these days is flipping insane!
To the blogger that wrote about how kids need to "suck it up" and "deal with it" I ask how she would react, even as an adult, to the things that 12 year old girl in Florida who killed herself heard every day?? If someone were constantly telling her how "horrible" she is and that she "should kill herself" would she just suck it up? That is what kids are saying to each other.  That is why there is such a push to stop bullying in schools before it starts.  BTW the bully in that Florida case reportedly said that she was glad the girl she bullied was dead.  Wow.  Just wow.

Believe me I plan to do my best to help my kids maintain self confidence so that if a lame excuse for a human starts harassing them they will be able to deal with it. In the meantime, I support and appreciate that the people who are with my kids the majority of their weekdays will be doing their best to protect them. I hope that doesn't make me a bad parent who is keeping my kid from facing adversity that they need to develop coping skills for later in life.  That would just be awful, AWFUL parenting on my part. Sad face.

Look.  Kids were mean when I was 12.  I dealt with it. I will try my hardest to teach my kids how to deal with unkindness in their lives. What's scary is that kids are brutal and relentless now and with social media at their fingertips they are downright deadly.  Literally. Bullying rules are strict and extreme because the bullys are freaking psychopaths now.  (I bet they played with guns when they were little!  Just saying.) I kid. I kid.

If I want to take my kid to a PG-13 movie I will.  bite me. 
My five year old is extremely mature in some aspects.  In other aspects...not so much.  Thunder Mountain Railroad at Disney scared his pants off.  Iron Man 3...he loved it. I always research to be sure the movies aren't exorbitantly violent or gory or sexy.  Now what's right for him may not be right for your kid but you don't see me saying that your kid is a wimp and will probably get bullied. No. I accept that you don't want to bring your kid to a PG-13 movie. I'm sure you will enjoy making a craft together that you found on Pinterest while you drink some organic milk and snack on vegan cookies.

Odd that the mom who won't let her kid play with guns allows him to see a movie like "The Avengers" where aliens and gods fight each other while an alien race comes to Earth to take over. Yeah.  If my kid obtains a mystical hammer that creates lightning and makes him fly he can TOTALLY play with it any time he wants.  If he aspires to become a genius millionaire and builds a flying suit that he uses to defend his country...well holy hell, I'm OK with that.  If a wrinkly green short dude comes to our door and wants to train him as a Jedi....well, I think you get my point. 

Bottom line is I am doing my best to keep my kids safe and know that they are loved.  I'm trying to raise humans that will treat other people the way they want to be treated.  I try to do that by example.  It certainly doesn't always work.  I sometimes swear in front of my kids.  I have horrible road rage.  I get impatient multiple times a day with them.  I'm messy. I'm frequently late.I'm unorganized. I'm lazy. I don't buy organic. My kids drink juice and on occasion eat sugar. And by "on occasion" I mean every day. Like multiple times a day.

So while you may not agree with my methods and opinions...well honestly I just don't care.  I would die for my kids and I'm sure you would, too.  Life would just be so much better if we could support each other instead of tearing each other down.  I'm sure you were not ill intentioned when you wrote your blogs and not that I'm judging but...

Oh crap.  Never mind. I'm going to go make a prepackaged dinner with carcinogens in it to feed my family.